NEW REASONS
Haven't written here for a while. Since the last time I did, I broke up with my ex, blew my chance to get anywhere with the other guy I had a crush on, almost immediately got back together with my ex, and then broke up with him again a little over a year later. Wheeeee!!! And now I kind of want to delete all of the previous posts, because looking back it's really hilarious that I was worried about the progress of my month-old relationship in the light of everything that's happened since. So please consider all the posts before this one to be the product of an emotionally stunted and hyper-immature dwarf who lives inside my body and seizes control of it when certain cosmic phenomena take place on the surface of the sun.

So. Now it's been seven months since I broke up with J. (the names I used to use are really bothering me, so I'm switching to initials). Frankly, I still miss him. We broke up on strangely good terms, and have remained friends ever since, and I see him fairly often. The problem with this is that we didn't break up because of any fundamental personality clash; of course we had our fights and issues but all couples do. No, we broke up because our sex life sucked. Out loud. He's an exclusive top and I am definitely not, or so I learned over the course of the relationship, an exclusive bottom. Basically, I wanted -- and it got to the point where I needed -- a chance to be the top, and it just wasn't going to work out; he tried a few times, bless him, but it always seemed to be ever so unpleasant for him, which made me feel guilty, but then that guilt stopped me from asking again, which made me resent him even more every time we went to have sex (which became less and less frequent over time; if you ever come across his profile on gay.com, and you see that it says "I like to have sex 3-5 times a week," feel free to take that with a grain of salt) and it was just assumed that I would bottom. Which I largely enjoy doing, but come on, no matter how much you like vanilla ice cream, you're gonna get sick of it eventually (and speaking of vanilla, he was a total clean-freak, which made even the most mildly adventurous things I wanted to try -- barebacking, rimming, etc. -- out of the question).

So at the end of our respective college careers, we broke up. He stayed in NYC, I went home for a summer and worked a stupid fun job, and now I'm back in town. And I'm unemployed. And I cannot seem to get a decent goddamn job to save my life. So I spend all of my time at home alone (my roommate's in school) in my apartment in the middle of nowhere in Brooklyn and I masturbate a lot. And now I really, really, REALLY want to get laid.

Today, I officially reached a breaking point. I woke up to the sound coming through the wall of the girl next door to me being robustly fucked. Then I started messing around with my gay.com profile, which I'd initially created months ago and never actually set up. And then I hit on the bright idea of looking for J., who I found immediately. Before we went out, I was a complete never-been-kissed virgin; I was his first significant relationship but he'd gotten around sexually before, largely through internet hook-ups. (I'd always wanted to know more about that side of him, but he would never share about it; I wasn't jealous, I was just really curious.) Now I've always assumed that, since we broke up, he'd gone back to that, but it was a little distressing to see that the last update on his profile came the day that I left NYC for home. We'd only been broken up a couple of weeks before that. AND that his primary picture is one where he's standing arm-and-arm with me, and I'm cropped out of the photo. That's just weak. All that said, he hadn't logged in to the site since mid-May, so I don't know if he's just been celibate (he has been working hard), or if he's found a new venue for hook-ups. I really want to talk to him about his sex life, and mine, but I strongly doubt we're at that level of post-breakup comfort yet. Like I started to say above before my incoherent ramblings cut off any opportunity to make the point, it kind of really sucks that I still like him, a lot, and that the only reason we can't be together is sex. I don't know how much he still likes me; the friendship's been awkward but tenable so far, so who knows.

Anyway. So I put together my little gay.com profile, and then I finally snapped and went over to Craigslist, which I'd been cruising for over a month, and ended up posting an ad for any bottom willing to help break in a top-in-training, tonight, I can host, etc. I specifically requested both face pics and somebody between the ages of 19-25. I got two responses, one from a vaguely creepy daddy figure who wanted to "spoil" me, which I promptly ignored. The other was from a black guy at Columbia, who sounded hot, but when he finally sent me his pic and stats he was older than 25 and still not showing his face. Plus he had dreadlocks, which, sorry to be superficial, kind of turned me off -- I'm really, really into short hair and really, really anti-long hair. But being a total newbie at this, I decided I didn't want to get involved with a guy who was both deliberately ignoring the age range I'd asked for and not showing me his face even when I'd sent him a pic of mine. He had an obnoxiously hot body, too, which made the decision slightly more wrenching than it should've been, but in the end I didn't reply to him any further. Instead, I ordered a pizza, played some Mario Kart, and ended up hating myself because god damn it, I finally could've gotten laid tonight, and I blew my chance for a bunch of stupid reasons.

And I'm writing it all in this blog because I've got no gay friends that I can babble about this sort of stuff with -- of my three gay friends, one is J., one is S., the guy I had a crush on and blew my chance with, who recently gave me a long rant about how awful it was that his ex tried to get back together with him (so he probably wouldn't be very supportive of my predicament with J.), and the other is M., a perfectly nice guy who doesn't have a clue about the sexual realm and who I've never talked about these sorts of things with before, so to suddenly unload all of it on him now could be disastrous to the terms and quality of our friendship.

I'd have done all of this in a LiveJournal, but I'm too old for that place now. And I'm still in my early 20s, so that's saying something.
10:38 PM