BAD THINGS
After waking up this morning, I indulged an extended fantasy involving Nick's presence in my bed with me. Thoughts of Atom provoked absolutely no guilt. This is baaaad.

Nick will also, apparently, be incommunicado for the next two weeks or so. Please, God, let that have a beneficial effect on me; when I couldn't "see" Atom for a while my interest waned. Maybe the same thing will happen here...? I know full well that Nick is just a mental scab for my issues with Atom but holy shit is he an appealling scab.

Three more days until I see Atom again. I'm starting to think that if he doesn't impress the hell out of me next week, then there's not much of a point in my continuing this... a while ago I was talking to one of my significantly older/wiser friends about this whole mess, and she said something that's stuck in my head: "Don't stay with a guy who doesn't make you feel special." A simple platitude but an effective one. Atom at this point just doesn't make me feel particularly special, or cared-for, or *gasp* loved. (That word has not yet entered our discourse, mind you, mainly for that reason). I'm not sure if it's in his nature to be at all demonstrative of his affection, and while I can understand that, I definitely can't live with it.

I wish that we'd been friends before we became involved, because it's gonna fuck shit up big-time if we can't be friends after this. We were introduced by our mutual best friend. I'd really like to not have to avoid seeing him in social situations... grrr.
1:03 PM

AIN'T IT ALWAYS THE WAY
Desperately bored, I put out a call on my other blog for my various friends in town to call me this week, knowing full well that there was one person who reads the blog who to be quite honest I wasn't terribly excited to hear from. Ah well, I figured, maybe he won't see the message...

Of course he was the first one to leave a comment on the post.

I'm gonna have to bite the bullet and go out with him some night, aren't I...?

I'm also gonna have to bite the bullet and post about him sometime, aren't I...?
8:09 PM

FOR FUCK'S SAKE
And of course I can't even start a stupid secret confessional blog for myself without Blogger giving me massive shit. It keeps "forgetting" that I typed in the code for titles on my blog template. FUCKING GRRRRRRRRR. I refuse to re-edit the template again... they'll probably just appear on the page three weeks from now.
8:38 PM

OH, WOE, WOE, WOE, BLAH BLAH
Ah, I knew I'd find it in my heart to bitch some more.

And make no mistake, this blog is probably gonna be nothing but wall-to-wall bitching. Whenever I find myself with a little moment of joy -- for example, I had one tonight -- I write it about it on my "main" blog, since there's generally nothing offensive to my friends and readers about my being happy. If something about that changes I'm sure there may be little spots of chronicled happiness here. But.

It's interesting that I write this as though I'm addressing an audience and not, oh, myself. Since this is a private blog and I've told no-one that it exists. Oh well.

So my principal complaints today...

I had not one but two conversations with Atom today, which is well above the norm. I'm not one of those people who insists that their significant other call them every day. Though of course, I kind of wish Atom wanted to do that. Which he obviously doesn't. Talking to him on the phone is kind of a chore (not only because he mumbles, and only chooses to talk right after I've started saying something, making it impossible to hear him) and it kind of removes the passion and romance from the whole long-distance thing. In fact the passion may've started drifting very far out of the relationship at this point, on my end anyway, and often I felt like it was never there on his end -- or if it was, he wasn't going to, or didn't know how to, show it. Make no mistake, I desperately want to see him (only a week and a day to go now) and the first thing I'm gonna do when I see him is jump his bones... but the separation, in addition to making me become all melodramatic and stupid and emotionally self-indulgent, has given me a chance to realize that so far this has not exactly been one of the great love stories of our time. But then, we only had a month together, for fuck's sake.

Grrr. This relationship business is really fucking irritating. I liked it when I could just complain about not having a relationship; I didn't have to work at that...

The other thing bugging me this fine summer's eve: Andrew. I went to the bookstore with him tonight (Bought Vladimir Nabokov's Lolita, if you're curious; I can't believe I haven't read it yet), but we parted ways 'round 9:30 or 9:45 or so, at which point he announced he was going to try to rustle up two of our colleagues (I'm gonna call them Mephisto and Bruce, because it makes me laugh) for a game of poker, seeya. Now, Mephisto and Bruce are two of his oldest and dearest friends, and I'm sort of a johnny-come-lately to the whole group, though it's been five years now since I met them all. But it still hurts me a little, irrationally, that I'm not and probably never shall be "one of the guys" even though I'm friends with all of the guys in question. And I really don't have a persecution complex here whatsoever -- all of my friends have been astonishingly great about it -- but of course I chalk that up to my being gay, honestly. They play cards and shoot pool or whatever, and I don't. Humph.

I have never studied my navel for this long before. It's kind of unappealing.

One last note for the night, then I'm off to finish reading my damn book: you'll note that the specific details I've been mentioning now and again could very, very easily be used to link me back to my other blog. This page is covered in hints, in fact. I'm doing it on purpose, and I really shouldn't, since who knows, if the wrong people read this they could get quite angry... but my self-destructive streak sort of wants that, and God knows my hammy performative side wants the world to hear and see and Know My Woe, so I kind of can't help it. That's just how things are gonna be.
8:26 PM