LET IT RIP
OK, so here's the situation:

I have a blog somewhere else on the web. People read it. More people than I kind of ever figured would, actually. Which is cool because I'm a narcissist and I loooove attention. But as anyone with a moderately popular blog knows, things get a little knotty when one starts to discuss one's personal life and the other people who factor into it on a blog that those people read. So I've decided to create this little steam-valve here to get various things off my chest.

In the way of biographical details, I'm 20 years old, I'm gay, and I live in New York City. That's all you're getting.

"Je suis Apollo" accomplishes two things -- it's a line from one of my favorite songs (you'll have to guess what that song is), and it reveals my latent god-complex.

Let's start off with how I'm feeling tonight:

So it's my friend Andrew's birthday tomorrow. (For the record, that's not his name. Nobody's name here is going to actually be their name in real life. Just so you know. He'd like that I'm calling him Andrew, because it's an allusion, see, but whatever). I was under the impression that we'd be getting together with some friends and doing something fun, since I haven't done anything but work and clean my room for the past five days or so. But no; instead Andrew simply opted to sit on his ass, and now I've been left alone tonight when I'd been getting all excited to go out and play. I mean, it's his birthday and he should do whatever he wants. But this is just yet another incident in a larger pattern of events. Andrew's taken to these moods where he just doesn't want to see people. Or so he says. Often. I think he's being bitter and mopey, honestly, which is kind of annoying since there's not too terribly much in his life for him to be mopey about, and if there is, we'd much rather he talk about it with us than be a moody little shit who dangles the idea of going out and having fun and then is maddeningly noncommital until you give up, at which point he says that's what he wanted all along.

Grrrr.

So I was left all alone, on a night when I was badly missing my boyfriend, who's back in NYC (I'm with my parents for the summer in an unnamed coastal state). The boyfriend -- let's call him Atom -- is an entirely different scenario. I haven't been doing the long-distance thing well, and we were only together for a month before we had to put it on hold for the summer... I'm going to see him in a few days but the waiting is killing me. This is, it bears noting, my first relationship.

Which is why I'm a little upset that I'm about to destroy it.

You see, there's another guy. We're going to call him Nick, which is completely random and not actually an allusion to anything, unlike the last two alt.names. Nick lives in England, and Nick also has a weblog, and Nick has a massive crush on me. I am not entirely sure if he's aware that the feeling's pretty mutual. We've been talking for a while now, and things have been getting progressively flirtier. Which would be a great thing, but, ummm...

1. I HAVE A BOYFRIEND. Who I like. And who I'm not exactly sure is a super-long-term prospect, but who I'd like to not be intellectually/emotionally cheating on, thank you.
   
2. HE LIVES IN ENGLAND. EN-GUH-LUND. Which according to the distance calculator is well over 3,000 miles away from any place I live in.
   
3. NEVERTHELESS, I COULD POTENTIALLY CHEAT WITH HIM. I am going to England to study abroad next spring. I don't know if I'll still be seeing Atom at that point -- s'a long way away -- but I'd like to think things will continue to go well. However, I know for a fact that if I go over there and meet Nick in the flesh, I will hook up with him. Which is bad. Because eventually I will leave England, and I am so not interested in just having a fling with Nick, because as far as I can tell he is kind of everything I like in a guy. Which would make it a wee bit hard to say "Well, ta-ta then" after less than four months.
   

So, of course, left to my lonely devices tonight I had a long IM conversation with Nick that made me like him even more and which maybe clued him in that I like him and which goes a long way to confusing how I feel towards Atom, who it's been hard to effectively communicate with while we're separated. I mainly just flop around on the bed and pretend he's there with me and get all overcome with absurdly maudlin longing. And now I'm starting to substitute Nick in that scenario occasionally.

So to sum up how I'm feeling right now: God damn I'm fucked.

Now, let's see if I ever update this thing ever again. I've told so many of my friends this sob story tonight that it's absurd, but after years of going at it, there's nothing as emotionally satisfying as blogging. I had to write this up, or down, or whatever. Time will tell if that need remains.
9:24 PM